I'm gonna set my old clothes on fire.

Which way to go?

I don't know what I want from life. I don't know what should I be doing right now, I'm not bulding a carrer on anything, I just have this temporary job, as a kindergarten teacher, which I kinda enjoy because kids remind you how beautiful and pure we were as childs, but life and experiences are the responsibles to make us distrutful and suspicious about pretty much everything and anyone. My four year old students are happy playing under the sun, they easily hug their classmates without any apparently reason; they give kisses away for free, without any expectations. They are not scared of showing how they feel, they have no barriers, they just are, they just live, they just learn.And for the first time in my life, the cheesy concept of the teacher being who learns of his/her students, make totally sense to me.
I don't give a fuck when it comes to choose what I'm wearing at school, I know that I'm gonna get stains of paint, clay, glue, even boogers on my clothes, and if I'm lucky enough, I'm gonna come back home carrying some purple glitter on my skinny jeans and doctor marten boots.
"My kids" are like fancy porcelain that I like to watch, very fragile, very pretty, very unique. And the best part is that long time ago I was also a wonderful piece of little human art, but that's also the worst part, cause I'm not anymore, suddenly I became just a regular piece of craftwork, and I'm not even 30 years old yet... I wonder what would I be when I'm 56... Would I become porcelain again? Just like a miracle?


I had made some plans. If I stick to them, I would be living in Australia before this xmas. But lately the glue that attached me to my future life programme it's not working, at least not properly. And it's not like I'm not sure about moving to another country, it has to do with the apparition of an old ghost: My old young love. He finally made up his mind, he says he wants me and that he wants to be with me, he loves me, he's positive... But I'm not so much anymore. I'm scared, I wish I could be just like my kids, and enjoy the good news, but instead, I'm having a revolution on my head.

When we were on the same track.

Is it just my idea or we, woman, have to synchronize our plans to our man's masterplan? I set myself some obstacles when I'm in a relationship with someone, especially with my old young love. I wanted him to be with me so much that I was ready to put my life on hold if his hand was holding mine, and by the time I realized that he wasn't going to be there, and I started to make some plans, he shows up with his declaration of love, and I don't know what to do. Don't get me wrong, I love him more than anyone, he is the one that I want to see everyday of my life, but first I need to figure out what kind of life do I wanna have, in order to have him in it.

Me at the playground.

Sometimes I wake up and want to cut my hair very short, or dye it black, or just set my clothes on fire and buy a new wardrobe, get a whole new shoe stock and walk a different path, but Which one?! I have no idea... And what if I regret burning my many jeans, skirts, shorts, blouses and dresses? How can I get them back? Hair grows, but clothes don't regenerate. I wish decisions weren't so hard to make. I wish I were more like an easygoing person, I wish I were 4 years old again and play on the swings of life. But at the same time, I wish there was his kind hand pushing me behind, giving me the strength, pushing me hard, making me feel that with each swing, I reach my dreams, my goals, my masterplan.
Those are my wishes, and perhaps a new pair of black Bianca Louboutins... I don't want to cut my hair, like my friend and canadian Contributor (she has a beautiful face to do that, not me), I don't wanna burn my clothes, and I don't want to leave him behind. I just wanna be at some beautiful and green playground, running around with my old young love, giving kisses away for free, asking my teacher why does she have that piece of metal in her gum, asking her why does she have a two-coloured hair, why does she always wear boots to work, asking her why does she ask herself so many questions.