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| Bye bye Canada. |
That day I was feeling like shit. My mom went all the way from Guadalajara to Vancouver. She was there to help me to move out, to move on. We lived together for a little longer than 2 years. The best 2 years of my life, but also the most painful of all my life.
My mexican Russell Brand was my first true love, and I only say that because living with someone takes the relationship to another level. Sharing it's hard, especially when you are a spoiled girl. Suddenly I was living with this super hot guy who didn't like to do the dishes, who didn't like to clean the floors or to do laundry. But I also was living with this sweet heart, who used to cook me dinner everytime I came froom work tired and with swollen feet, after serving coffee for more than ten hours. I was living with a guy who used to call me "Audrey" when we were hangover and he would take me to a coffee shop to get my caffeine dose.
I will always remember the time that I got super sick; he didn't go to work that day, instead, he took me to the doctor and payed for my medicine. Girl, you know that a man loves you when he takes you to the washroom, because you can't walk because of the pain, and he stands there, infront of you, wainting until you're done, watching you with love glossy eyes, and taking you back to bed.
He would tuck me in every night, saying that I was a "Tani Roll", recalling all my favourite sushis in the world, he rather had me all cover in seewead than having a spicy tuna roll.
Despite all that, we had our problems, now I know that is normal, when you live with someone.
I still remember, everytime we came back from a party, really late at night or really early in the morning, he would go to the hasty market and get me a bottle of Perrier or Pellegrino, cause he knew I love to drink good sparkling water when I'm regreting drinking that much alcohol.
Now I'm drinking a bottle of Champagne, on Valentines day, and I feel kinda sad, cause I don't have anyone to tuck me in, or to take me to the washroon while I'm sick. I don't have that chest which worked as a pillow and got all my dreams. I know he still keeps them close to his heart.
That night, Oh man, that night!
I gave him a day and a half to take all his belongins out of home, and still he forgot some of them.
I was about to get on a plane, back to Mexico, and I received that message: he was respectfully asking me if he could get his things back, I didn't answer. It was too painful. I had a beautiful home, full of memories on its walls, and next thing I know, I had an awful lonely apartment, without anything on the walls, not even Audrey Hepburn, I had to take her down, watching her made me remember that "Audrey" love word.
"Nope, that's ok A, I will see you before I go, if that's alright with you" I said. "That works, let me know when do you wanna meet" he replied. I ended the conversation with an "OK".
I was really nervous, I was going to meet him or he wasn't going to show up, but still, that meant a lot to me.
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| The good times. |
My house was empty, I only had left my bed, the bed we shared for more than two years. I didn't sale any of our IKEA furniture, I gave everything away, How could I sale something bought out of love?
So I left the bed until the end, one of the reasons was that I needed a place to sleep with my mom, the other one, perhaps the most powerful one was that I was holding to the idea of him coming back home. It was pretty clear that he didn't want to live with me anymore, he rented a room in one of his friends house.
That said, I didn't have much expectations, but still, you leave a warm hope in your heart, just in case you get cold with his response.
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| The park. |
I wore my brand new Hunter black boots. The weather forecast rain, it was the first rain in weeks. The summer was ending and the horrible autumn was coming to take all my leaves down. I sent him a message, telling him that we were going to meet at the park, the park just right in the corner of our old home. That was very emotional, that park watched us having fun and now was going wach us cry.
We used to go there everytime that the sun decided not to be shy. We would buy some beer at the Licour store, and then we would meet there, drinking long can Stellas, and smoking some Camel cigarettes.
A lovely friend and my mom where at my old home, just giving me support. I told them I had to leave, I didn't tell them why or who was I about to meet; but they guessed, and they were right.
I walked 32 steps, I counted them, carrying a black bag with all his things. I also had an envelope with a letter that I didn't write that day. Actually, I wrote it the week we met. I found it while I was packing everything and throwing stuff away. I saw a note that I wrote to him and I gave to myself. It said everything that I wanted to say to him... In that envelope I also put a necklace that he gave me when he asked me to be his formal girlfriend. It had a golden skull and a golden ray, a ray of light.... It illuminated my way, in a way, in a weird one.
I just gave him back the ray, I kept the skull.
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| Memories |
When I got there, the sun was dying, but its weak pink light was still in the horizon. The night was following him, as he was getting closer, the pink hope was slowly leaving me.
He came to me riding his new bike. He was wearing tight jeans, black and white striped shirt, his black leather jacket and brown vintage boots. We was also wearing one necklace that I gave him long time ago. He took his Ray ban glasses off, and wiped his tears. That gave me the time to see his hands, his fingers, to watch the movement of his arms... And I remembered a lot of things, I could almost feel the way he used to hug me.
"Hi, how are you doing?" My voice was quivering, my hands were shaking, my Hunter boot were sweating.
He asked me if he could hug me, I nodded. I didn't want to let him go, even tough I knew he had left me days before.
I gave him his things, and also his present. He cried, he said "I love you, but things are just too complicated right now". I said it was my time to go home.
We couldn't let us free. Our arms were all around our bodies. We said how much we loved each other, and how painful the separation was. We kissed, and kissed, and kissed again. And suddenly the cold rain was touching us lightly. My boots were working, but my brain wasn't.
"Adolfo, hug me, tell me you love me". "Tani, I love you so much, you have no idea"... I didn't want to ask why we were taking different paths, I just wanted to enjoy the fact that the guy that I loved was loving me, at the same time, at the same place, in the same park.
Soon, we had our faces all wet, the tears got mixed with the cold vancouver drops, and I felt like if I was in a movie, in my favorite one: Breakfast at Tiffany's.
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| Holly and Fred Baby, kissing good bye. |
We were saying good bye, just like Holly Golightly and Fred baby.
All my love story has been a movie, from the beginning til the end, til that love kiss that we had under the rain. We kissed for an hour, we ended up so wet, but we didn't feel the cold. We were shaking, but not because of that... I felt like my body was telling me, "Don't let him go", I was shaking because I was resisting to the idea of not being with him anymore.
"Ok, it's late and you have to get ready for your departure"- "Yes, indeed". And I said to myself "Good bye Adolfo, these were the best two years in my life"... We kissed for the last time, and since then, I've been trying to find that kiss in other man lips... Impossible, it's been impossible.
I had kissed a lot of mouths since I came back, but no one's lips have what I'm looking for: memories, remindings of that cold rain. No one could be my Fred baby, no one is A, no one understands what a "Tani Roll" is made of.
We had been in touch since then, and it seems like he's coming home, where my heart is: in a city where never rains.
